January 10, 2014

I wept for you at Mass this morning...

though I know you could care less. But that's not the point, is it? The point is that I did weep - for you - and for Our Lord, obviously, to whom I offered the tears. It just goes to show how wrong you were, how wrong we both were, to let this stupidity go as far as it did. I was wrong in letting my Love grow dormant...you were equally as wrong in letting your Love die. Or at the very least letting it be usurped by another person who had no right - Moral or otherwise - to invade your life or those of our children. But you now must live with that folly, because you are now married to it.

Those tears come at unexpected moments, Dear...it's God's way of showing me that despite the doubts that invariably creep into my mind, I do Love you as I ought - complete, total, unrestricted and sacrificial, desiring to Sanctify you even though we are now parted. It is the Love you have left, that you have lost and that I doubt you will ever find again, quite honestly. But that is your problem now, not mine. Regardless of how I misused and abused the Love we shared, it remains that it never died. You yourself often said that "...you can't turn it on and off like a faucet..." and you are correct - you can't. You either have the Love or you don't. If you don't and now have, it's because you have just been Blessed with a Miracle of God's Grace...or you never lost it to begin with. So...which is it for me? Since I don't believe myself worthy of a miracle, it remains that it never died and was always there, wouldn't you agree? Why else would I be writing this?

Be assured, My Love...those tears will always be there, coming at these unexpected moments. It shows my weakness for you still, as well as my strength. No man in his right mind would go through all I have been through - including the forced separation from his children - who did not still possess what was there at the beginning - the Agape Love all Catholic spouses should have for each other and the desire to Sanctify one's spouse and children, despite the cost to self.

So...there it is and there it will always be.

My Love Always,


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