May 8, 2015

On Being Tall...and a Nascient Political Movement

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I have always thought of myself as a tall person. For as long as I can remember, I've felt this "inner" voice telling me that I am tall. I mean, I always wanted to be a cop when I was younger, for instance, as opposed to being, say, a bumper car operator or a "munchkin" in some updated modern version of the Land of OZ. I am, alas, trapped in a 64" body, a body that all of my inner psyche says really should be 74" tall. I mean, how demeaning is that - trapped in a small body when I just know that I was meant to be tall. Is it any wonder I'm conflicted??

It is most certain that God made a mistake. Surely, I would not feel this way if I was really and truly meant to be short? I'm told every day in the Catholic news that God wants me to be happy here on earth, so from here on, I'm going to accept my true self. No more hiding. And besides...

Who is to judge me or my feelings, anyway.

I'm glad that's all out. Now I can go shopping in the Big & Tall Men's Store and dress like I was always meant to dress - in tall men's clothes. I can finally walk down the street with my shirt sleeves hanging 8" below my hand and walking on my pants legs, knowing no one will stare questioningly at me, or call me "tiny" or "shorty" or "weird" because, well...they must be accepting of me and my inner desire to be tall.

In addition, for those who refuse to believe or who may be trapped within their own self-absorbed "neo-pelagianistic attitudes", I've recently started the SPU-T! movement in celebration of my new-found freedom and as a social gathering point for others who share my values and inner feelings. What is SPU-T! 

Short People United-Tall! 

Soon I'll we'll have my our own political lobby group in Washington, D.C. to help promote my our cause and I'll soon contact all the 2016 political candidates to see what their position is concerning the SPU-T! movement. Soon, within 5 years is my guess, SPU-T! members will be in many local political offices...then, SPU-T! members will invade state legislatures...then, SPU-T! members in Congress...and ultimately, there will be a SPU-T! President in the Oval Office!

By the our first order of business when SPU-T! becomes a National political powerhouse will be to force pass laws that restrict modify all commercial and public store shelves to a height commensurate with the average height of SPU-T! members, but in any case will not exceed a maximum height-from-floor of 52". Never more will SPU-T! members be marginalized and embarrassed by having to ask a store clerk to reach the second to last can of baking soda on the top shelf!  

So...all you vertically-abnormal people whose heads are perennially in the clouds and who think you are "normal" afraid. 

Be. Very. Very. Afraid.

Copyright 2015 David Heath - All Rights Reserved