November 15, 2017

Self-Identifying...

I have self-identified as 6' 4" for well over a year now. And I demand - DEMAND! mind you - that others do the same. Otherwise they will make make me feel bad about myself and we just simply cannot have that now, can we? Uh, Uh. Nope. Not gonna happen. Not in the enlightened environment I find myself living in as I type this, anyway. (Maybe in the pre-VII days, but not now.)

I mean, it's so obvious that God Himself made a mistake when he formed me from leftover parts he had lying around. He just absentmindedly grabbed from the "S" size pile, instead of the "L" size pile. I mean - I just know that to be true because I just, ya know, feel it.

Others are the aberration, not me...got it? Good! I just luv being called "Tiny" - it makes me feel so, so, so...tiny, er... I mean, tall. But enough about me!

I am writing this post to have you celebrate my success at finally coming out about something exciting in my life - and yours! (drum roll / hushed anticipation)

I have decided to open ...wait for it!...a Water Bar! (Hold the applause...)

UH...No, really..a water bar.

Listen to me!

The business model is simple: I will sell and dispense hot and cold water only - you supply the actual type of flavored hot or cold water by simply self-identifying your particular cup of water as plain old coffee; a latte or cappuccino; a tasty craft beer of your choice; tea; or even - if I can gain the franchise rights from INBEV - a Bud Light!

Naturally, the pricing for your particular cup of water will be wholly dependent upon the type of self-identified beverage you are purchasing. Plain old water will be cheaper than a Double Sweet Chocolate Swirl Whipped Cappuccino, for instance.

This is a sure fired success that will propel me onwards and upwards and ensure financial security as the golden years continue to dawn upon my
5' 4" 6' 4" body.

YES! Instant richness and success! I can self-identify seeing my mug on the cover of Forbes magazine and a 5-column, front page write-up in the Wall Street Journal. I can self-identify my selling franchise rights and thereby gain more status quo and be ranked right up there with Amazon's Bezos or Facebook's Zuckerberg.

Jeff and Mark...they'll just have to luv me, right?... cause I self-identify as something I'm not, right? That's the way it's done nowadays, right?

I mean...I mean...

Tall people will finally have to treat me as an equal, instead of always LOOKING DOWN at me!!

That's good for me, isn't it?

Well..ISN'T IT???




Copyright 2017 David Heath - All Rights Reserved

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