March 24, 2020

A Hearty "Thank You!" to the USDA



A weekend shopping trip to my local Sams Club and Walmart was my first since the onset of the Chinese Virus. As I gazed upon row after row of empty shelves that formerly held toilet paper, eggs, pizzas and hand sanitizer, I was reminded of why I live in such a great country. 

There are many unsung heroes in the present health crisis in which we find ourselves intimately involved. Medical professionals, researchers, first responders, and many others on the front line all deserve a round of applause for their untiring efforts to ensure the safety of the citizens of this great country (though I am sure they'd rather have a solid two weeks off about now). However, no one entity deserves a wider round of applause than our very own USDAa group of true, unsung heroes, who work tirelessly and in broad daylight so all the world takes notice of them. 

No, no. Not this USDA, that does its work largely behind the scenes. Then of whom I am talking?

Why... The United Society of Dumb Asses, of course. 

You've no doubt seen the members of the USDA first hand at your local stores as:


  • they rush to grab that cart in the parking lot from the elderly couple on Social Security who are just doing their monthly shopping; 
  • you experience their frenzied clubbing of other shoppers to get to the toilet paper aisle to ensure their own personal ass-hygiene remains unaffected (for an upper respiratory malady, no less);
  • you cringe as they flash-mob the egg cooler to claw to that last Medium Grade A carton with 3 broken eggs;
  • finally, you see (although the terror of it will live with you for decades to come), whilst clutching your loved ones tightly to your chest, the feral, frenzied look of their blood red eyes as they fight each other to get to that last 4 bottles of hand sanitizer.  

Like I said...dumb asses. 

These people have so screwed up the supply chain for the ordinary citizen that it is almost criminal. They have taken Slinky Dog (from Toy Story) who, in normal times, simply stretched in a controlled manner with the ebb and flow of normal supply & demand but who is, now, kinked-up, stretched out and almost unusable as a re-supply chain, all because of the Dumb Asses reckless and thoughtless abandonment to their emotions. 

Feral? Check. Crazed? Check.  Emetophobic? Check. 

You Tube sometimes makes famous an exceptional person or group; but it also makes infamous the unexceptional, the idiotic and the selfish. And it is to this latter group that the Dumb Asses belong. I'm guessing they have some innate need to shed their synthetic skins and reveal their true self; it is unfortunate that they most always choose to do so at the expense of their neighbors, the greater good and - in this case - an entire country. 

The Dumb Asses have shown to the world that the USA is not exceptional, nor magnanimous and certainly not charitable. They've shown instead that America is just a fourth-world country, full of vain, selfish and bipolar citizens who thinks their own emetophobia deserve self-medication before all others. 

There is no known help available for the Dumb Asses, sadly. No medical study is extant that is trying to help these hapless souls, though I'm sure that someday, somewhere, an obscure medical professional will have a Dr. Salk moment and perfect the vaccine that will rid the USA - and the World - of all Dumb Asses. And if there is any poetic justice in the world, the only side affect to the cure will be permanent splotches on the cheek in the form of the letters "D" & "A". 

But at least we won't run short of toilet paper and hand sanitizer again. And that's worth a little old side-effect, isn't it?


 


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